Sex has seasons, just like everything else in our lives. That’s why it is so important to keep the communication alive in your marriage and to talk about that three-letter-word—even if it makes you suuuper uncomfortable.
Here’s an analogy to bring it home:
You can’t expect a phone that hasn’t been updated in ages to function fully. Sure, it still works, but it isn’t living up to what it was designed for because there is no communication between the phone and the new software. Eventually, apps won’t look up to date and may not even run properly, you’ll start to see an alien error code for emojis, and you’ll most likely begin to experience a slower device—almost as if the phone itself is protesting you, the user, until you give it the update it so desperately needs.
The same thing happens in our sex lives when we never give them the chance for an update.
As our lives and experiences evolve, so do our arousal triggers, interests, and sex drives.
For example, my idea of great sex has changed dramatically since having children. Pre-kids, quickies were just whatever—but I cherish a quick moment of intimacy much more now that I see how much more difficult it is to find those pockets of time alone.
Yours will vary based on your own life experiences and preferences, but the point is that if your desires have changed and you’re not talking about it, you’re missing out on the intimacy and merely going through the motions.
If you’re wondering how on earth to start a conversation with your love about sex, I’ve got you covered! My husband was gracious enough to allow me to do an interview with him and share it with you in hopes that it may encourage you to do your own interview with your spouse. Interviewing each other can be a really gentle and fun way to talk about intimacy, especially if it’s something you have a difficult time discussing in general.
A few quick things:
- You can make this into a game where both of you ask the questions. That way your partner doesn’t feel isolated and vulnerable in their responses because they know you’ll be answering too.
- Make sure you are both in a good mood.
- Make it fun! Remember, you are not Barbara Walters and this is not a hard-hitting interview. There are no wrong answers and you should be able to laugh and enjoy this together as you learn more about what works for your partner.
Now that you’ve got the guidelines to have your very own interview, here’s mine with my husband, Derek.
Andi: What do you enjoy the most about sex?
Derek: What do I enjoy the most about sex? (Insert maniacal laugh here) There’s so much! I guess the closeness and the excitement that comes with it.
Andi: What do you mean by that?
Derek: Like I’m excited to have that time specifically with you and only you. It’s something I cherish between us. It’s what makes us unique.
Andi: How much sex do you prefer to have every week?
Derek: Every day. At least every day. (And then I laughed because I knew that’s what he was going to say)
Andi: What is your favorite position? (Yes, friends, I went there).
Derek: Is this going in your thing? (by “thing” he means my blog. Lol. You know, this thing) Oh man; we have so many. I don’t want my family reading about me having you reverse cowgirl.
(He didn’t actually say “having”. The real word is everyone’s least favorite autocorrect LOL)
Andi: So reverse cowgirl then?
Derek: *Blushing* Yes
Andi: Do you like foreplay? Why? I already know the answer to this but…
Derek: Duhhh. Because I enjoy build up. I enjoy the increase, the excitement, I enjoy pleasing you.
Andi: What is your favorite thing I do? What’s the biggest turn on for you?
Derek: When you take control or tell me what you want. When you initiate.
Andi: What do you wish I did more of?
Derek: I wish you were more forward
Andi: Like “yo, gimme dat!”?
Derek: Yep! Or tell me what you want. What position you want. Etc
Andi: What is your favorite thing about our sex life?
Derek: That it always feels exciting and meaningful.
Andi: Can you go into more depth?
Derek: It’s something I look forward to every day. It’s just between us. It’s our time together. It’s the closest I can get to you, even more so now that we have kids. Because so many of our moments are shared. Even our sex is shared sometimes. Sometimes they walk in.
Andi: Any other thoughts you would like people to know?
Derek: *Insert inappropriate comment here*
Here’s my takeaway from interviewing Derek:
- The emotional connection is just as important as the physical connection for him
- He treasures that time we have together
- And he would enjoy it if I spent a little more time vocalizing/initiating what I want
This information is invaluable when it comes to maintaining and expanding intimacy in my marriage because it shows me what areas mean the most to my husband and how I can better serve our marriage in the bedroom.
I hope you feel encouraged by this and that you try it out in your own marriage. And if you do, let me know how it goes! Details are optional 😉